I have always been the type of person to analyze and ask why. About everything. All the time. I analyze and analyze and then analyze some more. Funny thing is, after I read "Traveling Mercies", something changed in my heart. Something I couldn't explain or analyze. It was like having an answer to a question you couldn't verbalize. It was weird. And good. And unexplainable. During this time I started to pray again. Mostly for a pony. But I figured, Jesus had to have a sense of humor, right? I fully expected a pony to show up in my hotel room. Because, after all, I was praying. To JESUS. I mean...that is weird. On a side note, I still pray for a pony. At the end of every prayer, I end it with, now Jesus, about that pony....I even waited for one to drop out of the rafters at church on Sunday. But I digress....
There are more revalations I had during this time. I dont have all the answers. Noone does, really. Becoming a Christian didnt mean that I had to stop questioning. I could never do that. I wouldnt do that, after all, when we stop questioning, we are dead, right? Also, I always thought that Christians had to check thier brains at the door and become vapid zombies that just spewed anything that was fed to them, right? And yet. I had my brain. And I wasnt spewing. What the heck was happening to me? It was crazy. I felt crazy in a weird way. After all I had been Pagan for years now. Built my business, my identity on Paganism. I mean, who was I without that?
I had a thought today. In all the times I spent searching within myself for some kind of peace, I think I hyperfocused. Maybe some people find peace like that, but it was only when I looked outside myself, I found it. Its only when I submitted myself to God's will and basically said, use me as you will...it happened. Its very weird.
All these years I have had so much hostility towards the church in various ways. But I realize, the church is the people and the people are broken. The people are not God. The church is not God. And even the Bible is not God. And the amazing thing is, God loves us through our brokenness. And we are too love each other as well. Funny idea that is.
Funny thing is, I look back and cant believe I am here. I still have a long way to go, but Im here. Baby steps. Half the battle is just showing up I think. Amazing things happen when you just show up.