Friday, January 29, 2010

Most of my life in trapped in this constant thought process of flux, of being pulled.
Of light versus dark
Of God versus Science? (not sure of the anti-thesis of the emotion I want to portray here)

of doing right because I can or doing wrong because, well I can

Of relishing in materialism like sushi and fancy coffee and pretty shiny sparkly things (Im a Taurus after all, I like the finer things) and having some terrible (not horribly terrible but terrible, awe inspiring powerful, crazy pull in my heart that is so beautifully humanitarian that wants to run into the arms of the downtrodden and hug them or heal them or help them. My heart breaks for the underdog, for the poor, for the unloved and forgotten. I need them. I need to do more. I want to do more.
I think all the time of forgoing this life with a house and picket fence and going somewhere, somewhere else. Somewhere where I am needed, where I can devote my most purest self to humanity. I constantly think how can I do more. What can I do? Its never enough from this perspective. From this view, from this life, it never will be. I have to pull out all the stops. Let God use me as He will. I know He will. However it is ME that must be my own catalyst. God isnt our babysitter or our enabler or the fall guy or the savior (although that pun is ironic, but I am not talking about salvation in the typical sense of the word)

He is the fuel, but we are the spark. or perhaps its vice versa. Perhaps I have it all wrong.

How can I use my talent to serve humanity? How can I make a difference?
Where can I go? What do I do?

I have tried to "bloom where I am planted" but that isnt satisfying. It pales in comparison. I know the experience I yearn for is out THERE. I know what I need. But how can I get it and still support myself? Still make the mortgage payment. I am a devoted and loyal servant, but I am not blooming here. Its like a seed that has floated a long way in the wind and lands in a barren desert. Or a crack in the cement. When will the rain come? Will I die unfullfilled and suffocated by the 'American Dream'.

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