Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I really really really miss my grandmother...... Of course she was never the same after the radiation. And I keep trying to bridge the gap between the person she was and the person she became post radiation, to confirm in my mind that they are one in the same. But I miss her authenticness of who she was pre radiation .Her dry wit and sense of humor. She was a care giver, and a teacher, in life. She took care of my many many times through the hardest times of my life, times when I was abandoned by everyone else. A lot can be soothed with a clean bed, a warm bath and a cool washcloth...and of course, a good home cooked meal. Particularly, her mashed potatoes. I am sure she used at least 3 sticks of butter and whole cream to one batch of them. She taught me to make pineapple upside down cake. Cooked apples. Sweet tea (which I hate lol) She would fix me fruit and cheese plates so I could be "like the French" lol....and one summer, after we had went to Wiki Watchee (A place where you can see "real" mermaids" , she hand delivered me about 25 pounds of red grapes, so I could practice eating them underwater, because, I too was going to be a mermaid one day.

She loved my profile. She always commented on it. When she was young, she was so beautiful,. like one of those gorgeous pin ups from the 40s. She had porcelain skin and beautiful hair and lips and green eyes. Her last months and her last breath, really affirmed to me how fleeting outer beauty is. She was so wasted away at the end. Just skin and bones. I am so blessed to have been able to be with her so often during my life. And at the end of hers. Even though mentally and physically it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I am blessed. The last few days, she had one foot in this world and one in the next. She talked to her "daddy" about milking the cows, and to her mother and dead sisters. It was a fascinating experience as an observer.

I miss her so much. I miss the grandmother that tended my love of philosophy and of poetry. Of art. She used to read to me from her philosophy books. The one that bought me barbies and those plastic baby dolls with all the clothes. The one that would play the piano and sing. God, Lexy reminds me so much of her. I love nothing more when I am painting to listen to my beautiful, and most cherished daughter sing and play the piano. Sometimes I will sing with her. She will say, mom you are a soprano, this isnt in your key lol....

I think Lexy has a lot of the spirit of my grandmother. There is no doubt in my mind, that she is watching over her. they are both Leos, both kind and generous. I wish grandma was around to give Lexy a good talk about "finding her voice": and not letting anyone walk all over her and treat her like a doormat. I know grandma used to say that she used to be like that too. But cancer and the death of a husband, becoming a widow and a single mother, well, you find your voice fast or die.

I miss the grandma that used to talk, nonstop. In circles. I couldnt keep up with her. She had the best dry humor ever. She would be so animated when telling stories. She lit up the room. She helped people so much.

I miss her so very very much.

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