Someone asked me the other day, if I had a theme song for my life, what would it be. I think this is it at this time in my life. Don't get me wrong, there is another song...another song that is the other partner in this dance of life. I will post the other one when I feel it.
I often wondered why I like to listen to depressing things or gaze upon emotion imbued art when I am sad. I think it is because evoking pain or intense emotion reminds me that I am 'still right here', but the emotion reminds me I am real. Almost like an emotional version of "cutting". Shadows of people I used to know...I catch a glimpse of them in my dreams. My grandmother picking up an imaginary piece of lint from the floor. And all I can think to tell her is I love her. My heart swells with love and regret a life that evaporated into the netherweave of the cosmos. And I feel it, I mean really feel it in some sort of conscious state of mind, that phase between sleep and awake, where only the gods dwell. But I feel the love so strong it almost revives me completely to an awakening. Perhaps that is what I need, an awakening. I am quite sure it wont descend from the heavens and bitch slap me into reason and the present. Im quite sure I wont find it wrapped in the cocoon of myself, a self inflicted trap in my "Empire of Dirt".
*everyone I know, goes away in the end* When you watch the Johnny Cash video of "Hurt" his pain is palpable. It was recorded right after he lost his wife, and right before he joined her.
*and you could have it all, my empire of dirt*
*I will let you down, I will make you hurt*
*If I could start again, a million miles away*