Monday, July 18, 2011

Cleanse

I had a major epiphany this weekend. I hold onto too much stuff. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I went through a major cleaning of my room. I moved furniture (which about killed me) I scrubbed and cleaned and threw out many, many things that I had been holding onto. I threw out every letter, photo, note, scrap of memorabilia of my ex friend. Everything I had been keeping to remind me of the person that she used to be, not the half person she became. It is gone, trashed, destroyed. I have to admit that it was easier than I thought it would be to let it go. I threw out letters from people who I know I will never hear from again. I threw out clothes and have piles of books ready to go the Good Will. I am tired of clutter. I am tired of clinging to the past. Clinging to distant memories of people that are dead or gone from my life for good. I need to be cleansed. I need to embrace this moment, for that is all we ever have. The Buddhists say that the root of all suffering is attachment. Mine is attachment to the past. We all get caught up in that I suppose. We act the critic and the judge. We play the part for others "so well" and yet we isolate ourselves in this strange netherworld where we either judge too harshly our own actions or we ignore and placate ourselves completely. With ourselves, it is hot and cold. With others, we do not hesitate.

I had several light bulb moments this weekend. Strange how they just went click, click, click and came on full force. Here is my first admission. I have hoarder tendencies. Hoarding runs in my family to varying degrees. I always used to joke that i am one tragedy away from becoming a full blown hoarder. But now i realize it is no joke. My cousin had that tragic accident. Her fiance was killed a few years back and that tragic event sent her into full blown hoarding.

The show, hoarders, fascinates me. Partly because I see my relatives in there, but also because I can logically follow the mental process. I have always attached "excessive" emotions to physical things. Funny because, it IS just stuff. But you attach a memory or a thought or an event to that item and the bond becomes.....strong. Too Strong. It becomes...toxic. It keeps you in that place. It binds you and ties you to that moment. Don't get me wrong, it is good to remember the person, and even with saying all that, there are things that I wouldn't get rid of. My great great great grandmothers serving plate, my wedding band (that I cant wear, I mean my original), a few rings from my grandmother(s), some letters, and pictures. But I think that clinging to a past that no longer exists, to people that have changed beyond recognition, to what ifs and unfullfilled potential, that is detrimental to the spirit, it is suffocating.

I think that is also a trigger for me. Disposing of something that the potential hasn't been fulfilled. Letting go is equated with wasteful, when really it is healing. This weekend was hard. and Therapeutic. Cathartic and cleansing. It is just one step for me, as I have a long way to go. One thing I got rid of was a half finished painting. I have had it for 12 years. I started it 12 years ago, and even though it was warped and damaged, I kept it because I needed to full fill its potential. I threw it away. Finally. I let go.

The other thing I have decided to do it give away a lot of my artwork. Each piece of art is actually a piece of me. Each one like a baby, unique and brought into this existence only by my will. I have held them close. I have clung to the past. Now they are being doled out to select people. What they do with them is their business. They can trash them or hang them up, but I am letting go.

I am letting go of a lot of things. I have let go of a lot of things.

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