Tuesday, August 2, 2011

My goal this month is to try to post something every day. it might be stupid, it might be profound, it might be silly or insightful or just plain ordinary. But I am going to try to post every day.

I think about the name of this blog since I changed it, and indeed, something needs to be transcended. But I am not sure attachment is the only thing. I am not sure that it isn't the biggest lesson in futility of my life. I am not sure that I am not supposed to transcend myself, even...the ego, and dissipate into the soul.

I wonder why things affect me so greatly these days. My pain, other peoples pain, all together it is overwhelming, and yet, I am the counselor. But who counsels the counselor? It is easier to look outside yourself than to look within. I have always been a very introspective person, with greater insight into myself that the average person, and yet...these days, I cant figure it out.

I don't get why it is so hard to let things go. Why is it so hard to move forward? The past is a great teacher. It serves a purpose. Memories, lessons, shadows of people that have come and gone and yet, it is the like an anchor tied to your foot and someone has just dropped it into the ocean. The past. The past is like dust. It forms nothing, it is nothing. The only thing that matters is NOW. The future is just a dream, an ideal. How do you stop looking backwards and start looking ahead? How do you let go? I can say "okay, I let go now"...ha, it does nothing. How do you let go without true closure? I used to think funerals served no purpose. Then, when my grandfather died, he really didnt have one. I got no closure. I got some when we went to Scotland to spread his ashes. But it was so rushed...hmm I dont know. The past reminds me of the Basilisk. The creature, if you stare at it too long, you might turn to stone. So caught up in it, that it immobilizes you. I cant become that person. Isolating myself hasn't worked. I just don't seem to have the energy (not physical), but spiritual energy? for soulless shallow conversations. At least, not in bulk. The people you work with...shallow....You are there to work, not socialize for the most part...I gain nothing but a paycheck. I have a few friends that can hold a conversation about something other than their brand new name brand handbag...and I do cherish them. The level of shallowness I think is what gets to me the most. Noone loves you more, because you have new clothes or shoes or a purse. Who really gives a crap. I dont. Only insecure, shallow people who arent getting validated any other way, give a crap about those things.

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